so its over, for real this time

you have hurt me long enough, although you dont know half of the pain i went through (unless u have read this blog already), because i was in love with you, its time for it to come to an end. it is obvious your not willing to love me in the way that i love you, so i am severing myself from you. cutting away all the strings that i have created to attach myself to you. it is time for me to find a girl who is worthy of my affection because you ma'am certainly are not! if i could hurt you the way that you hurt me, i wouldnt, but im fairly certain you would do it again, and that some poor guy is next in line to be used and abused by you. the way you do things doesnt make them seem bad, but at your core you dont care, you were just there enjoying the experiences we had for yourself, and was not associating any of those things with memories of me, and for that FUCK YOU! If you knew how much i truly cared, and how much of you i was in love with, it would fucking shock you. i was into everything about you from the way your toes move when your excited to how cute and feminine you sound when you wake up, and even more than that. but its too late, you shall never be the subject of such affectations that any heterosexual female would die for. good job on fucking things up with me, and to think, if only you had made things clear and not lied as evidenced in the things i have written on here earlier, if only you were clear and honest you wouldnt be losing me, i can move on and find someone that wants to do all the things we used to do, but you cant find another me. these past few days have made me realize how much you are going to miss me, sending me random pictures. you sent me a picture of the back of an M6 with an M6 badge on it and asked me if it was an M6 who does that? and why would you send me a picture of a saab? get real girl the key to deception is to not break character. at this point, i just want you to stop, we can be acquaintances but i cant be anything but more than friends with you, and thats not going to happen so i guess this is adieu.

why wait

why am i waiting, not that i dont think its worth it. but why the hell am i here, stuck watching all of these other people enjoy what i have to wait for. i am here, a good person in myriads of ways, and you tell me to wait, and get mad when i question you? what kind of bullshit is this? maybe i need to start being more honest with you, i am not your bitch, so stop acting like i am. i would treat you more like a queen if we were in a relationship, but we are not, so stop fucking asking me to do everything for you, i mean i provide food, alcohol, among other things...and what do i get? "can you get up and get me some gingerale thats right over there, becasue i dont feel like getting up off of my lazy ass?" with no please...fuck that. i fucking hate that i love you like i do, because if i didnt, i would have opened up a bunch of bullshit on you. i have been here before, and had girls tell me they wish they had given me a chance...so what the fuck are you waiting for, stop bathing in the attention your slutty BEHAVIOR gets you, and learn to enjoy something different, this is bullshit jess, grow the fuck up!

so yea...i was wrong.

Im beginning to think that this girl may never be out of my life. its extremely weird to say that to myself, but i can and feel like its true. we have talked about the possibility of a future for us, but that was a very brief convoluted conversation. despite all of those things that i said and meant, I just cant pull myself away, under a spell i cant break, i just cant stop. ahhh fuck life its so weird sometimes, i swear im not a creep, just a hopeless romantic.

one more thing,

You have done what you dreaded most. inspired me to change, to become a different person, to not be so open about myself, and to not put my heart and expectations into women. and for that, i think i should thank you.

its done, i really hope.

The time has come…the time has come for me to finally stand up and let you know why I'm doing what I'm doing. For a very long time, you have had me in a trance like state always loyal to you and expecting of you and respectful of you when I don’t receive the same behavior back in the least. While this is something that I really want to do for someone, I shouldn’t direct those feelings towards someone that takes me for granted, and treats me like shit. You do that. Whether you say so or not, you treat me like shit, anytime I have something to say, you don’t listen or care about what I have to say, maybe not everytime, but enough of the time to piss me off. My huge main issue with you in my life is that we were so personal and somewhat emotionally intimate, and close, that I let this affect me whenever you were around “being you” or “being happy.” At the end of the day, I loved you, yes I did, and it was real, I was pretty sure of it, but my stupidity allowed me to think that you would probably come around, but Ive learned from those with more life experience than me, that women do not change, and I'm convinced that your not going to. For whatever reason you had, or have, you will not engage in a relationship with me, which is your choice, but I'm not going to sit idly by and do all of these things for you anymore, because I'm looking out for me now, sorta like you do to me. If you want to chill with me, then u do, but if I need something and u don’t feel like it, then its not happening, show me an instance where u put yourself out for me, and I will retract this statement. At this point in time I'm rambling, and think you get the point.

Actually never mind, the amount of things that have gotten to me were far to impacting for me to attenuate my thoughts to just a paragraph.

I cannot forget all of the nights we spent together, all of the times that we have had, all of the experiences that we have shared, but I can and am willing to cut off the source of the majority of my stresses. Why you may ask? Because like I have stated before, the lack of respect that you show for me is phenomenal. Heres a list, of shit that I put up with about you. All of those fucking screaming sessions because you were a dumb little girl and got involved with an asshole that is a stronger male than I am and was able to control you and get you wrapped up in him. The times at pools and pool parties where I had to witness your foolish sexual advances on eligible bachelors only to end up teasing them and leaving them wanting, that’s fucked up girl. The amount of things that I have given to you of monetary value, food, adderall, alcohol, and other things. The amount of emotional abuse that I have had to endure from you telling me that I don’t know what it is to love a girlfriend and that you were the person in my life to show you what it is to love a friend, then you would go and sing all of those sentimental ass songs, wonder wall, and that song “don’t know what it is I see in you wonder if ill always be with you.” After doing so, you would go out and flirt with all the guys like you always do, and get mad because someone that you sang to the night before is like what are you doing. Fuck that Jessica, fuck that. I am not willing to take the up and down back and forth shit anymore, and me doing this, is not being like other people and casting you aside, this is me telling someone that disrespects me that they are wrong for what they have done, and that I know I deserve better no matter how hard it may be for me to move on, I shall do so.

Cliffs notes:

You could have had something great, but you passed it up, and treated me like shit, so now I'm leaving you, because I deserve better than how you make me feel.

Oh yea, when I told Kristina that I couldn’t wait for you to move, I meant it. Because I'm tired of being psychologically teased and manipulated by you. And will actually breathe a sigh of relief upon the day that you do move, and I don’t have to go out to my pool and think that girl might come downstairs to hang out and fuck my day up because I have to watch her pretend to act like she wants to fuck strangers or my friends.

yesterday, may 30th.

I was working on my car with my friends, and she walked by and didnt even wave to me, the night before, i saw her at the party i went to before i went to hang out at another, that same day she turned me down for getting lunch, and told me that she didnt think i could do what i wanted to as far as becoming a therapist. she also asked me if i knew someone that would sell something when it was known that she owed me money. a pattern of bullshit is beggining to occur, and im going to stop it now before i let this shit continue, stay tuned for updates.

why we need a title. even though not all of me is for it anymore

we fight like a couple, we are seen as a couple, girls dont talk to me because i look like i have a sig other, i dont. but the thing is, im not yet ready to end this, nor are you, and because of this i feel that just to clear things up, we need a title because like it or not. there is a commitment here especially based on the recent sequence of events. because of how this w/e has been with you, its time to say this. we need a title or we need to do something, because its holding at least me back from what i should be doing. and i know i could just leave you out to dry, but its obvious that im not that type of individual, so its not fair to me. you have never really told me why there is no title, but i feel its about due time, because i have alot of explaining to do, to alot of people, my friends, my family even. i dont know what needs to happen but something does because this is getting ridiculous on my part....im done for now